


i duckinf hatw you.

by orphan_account



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Childhood Trauma, F/F, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Lovers To Enemies, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Physical Abuse, Suicide, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:01:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28262064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jungeun meets her ex-girlfriend in the most uncommon place ever.
Relationships: Jung Jinsol | Jinsoul/Kim Jungeun | Kim Lip
Comments: 3
Kudos: 68





	1. i'm not fucking god.

**Author's Note:**

> hi friends. i hope you're doing great, it's almost christmas !! please take care of yourself always.<3 
> 
> also, this has verbal abuse, so if you're sensitive to that content, please skip the first part !!

"I love you." 

Jungeun was in love, she was absolutely smitten with the older girl that stood in front of her with a huge smile plastered across her face as she held a huge teddy bear to show it off to Jungeun who was giggling at her. "See? Isn't this cute? Yeah i bet you wish you had it." The blonde teased, sticking her tongue out in order to annoy Jungeun who still had a smile on her face at her childish act. "Jinsoul.." She called out softly, eyes still glued to the blonde. 

Jinsoul must've noticed Jungeun's tone since she quickly stopped her teasing and approached her girlfriend. "Honey? Is there something wrong?" She asked worriedly while giving Jungeun a worried look, she noticed that the younger girl has been acting strange since this morning and although she was worried, she didn't want to ask because she didn't want to potentially ruin Jungeun's day. Jungeun shakes her head. "No, nothing's wrong honey.." Jungeun reassured, stepping forward to Jinsoul to bury her face on Jinsoul's neck. A giggle breaks out of the blonde's lips. "You should've told me you wanted a hug, i got worried there a little bit." Jungeun smiled on Jinsoul's neck and doesn't bother to answer as she snuggles further into the older girl's neck. 

She loved this, she loved these kinds of moments with Jinsoul. The way the sun would just shine against them while they stand there and appreciate each other's presence is so dreamy that it makes Jungeun feel so fuzzy on the inside. She could feel Jinsoul's arm sink down to put the bear on the ground and wrap around her tiny frame made her giggle once again. Jungeun didn't want this to end, she wanted this forever. 

"What the hell Jungeun!?" 

Jungeun flinches hard when she hears a loud yell from the door. She stood up from the bed and walked out of the room, only to be greeted by an enraged Jinsoul standing by the door in their apartment. Her face was red and her sling bag down on the ground, her hands were balled up into a fist that were clenching, her veins popping. Jungeun trembled slightly on her spot, she's never seen Jinsoul look that angry before. 

"Huh?" 

Jinsoul's eyes shot up to look at Jungeun. "What the fuck do you mean by 'huh'? Is that all you have to say!?" She yells once again. "Jinsoul i.. i don't understand. Why are you so mad? What's wrong?" Jungeun asked, gulping the lump on her throat. She instantly regrets asking the question because Jinsoul was fuming even more. "Oh i'll tell you what's wrong." Jinsoul started. She loosens her tie and cracks her knuckles, stepping forward. 

The sight scared Jungeun.

What was Jinsoul about to do? 

Jinsoul's brows were furrowed, her jaws were clenched, her skin was turning red while she kept intense eye contact with Jungeun who was petrified on the spot. It was uncommon for Jinsoul to get back in the apartment yelling at her and having a bad mood. 

"I do everything around here!" Jinsoul started. "And what do you do? Study? Jungeun how long do i have to fucking wait til' you finish that damn law school!? I'm tired of waiting! I'm breaking my fucking back here and you're just acting like a domestic wife and study, why aren't you doing something that can help both of us?!" Tears were gathering in Jungeun's eyes, she refused to believe what she's hearing, she knows Jinsoul doesn't mean that, the girl was a sweetheart, there was just no way the girl could mean any of what she just said. Jungeun forces out a chuckle. "Oh, Jinsoul- come on.. you just need to cool off, you don't mean any of that." She spoke with a convincing tone which made it look like she was convincing herself instead of convincing Jinsoul. 

"I do. I fucking do Jungeun." Jungeun's heart sank. "I'm sick of waiting around and breaking my damn back, why is it only you who gets to have plenty of rest?!" Jungeun shakes her head. "Jinsoul-" "Why am i the only useful one in this damn relationship?" Tears were spilling from Jungeun's eyes already. why was Jinsoul bursting out on her? Her words were slowly tearing Jungeun's heart apart. "Don't.. say that.." Jungeun whispered, her breathing was uneven and her heart was beating like crazy out of nervousness. What the heck was happening? Why was Jinsoul acting like this? 

"What a fucking waste." 

("what a waste.") 

Jungeun froze. 

No, she didn't want to view Jinsoul like him. Jinsoul wasn't like him, not even one bit. 

Jinsoul walked towards her, raising her index finger and putting it right in Jungeun's face. 

"What a waste." 

("what a waste, what a waste.") 

("what a waste! what a waste! what a waste!") 

Jungeun stepped back, almost slipping. Her breath hitched. She was stunned. 

Jinsoul was acting like him. 

"Jinsoul.. stop it.." She whispered, unable to find her voice during this situation. 

Jinsoul gives her a cunning smile and Jungeun looked at her warily. "Why should i? Are you gonna cry?" Jinsoul had always been like this, ever since she found a better job, she's been treating Jungeun badly, but the thing is, this was new, this was different, Jinsoul had never triggered any of Jungeun's trauma, but here she was, literally making Jungeun relive the traumatic event from the past. 

"Go and fucking cry, that's what you're good at, right?" 

("i can't believe i worked so hard for you, you're fucking useless! you're no help at all!") 

Jungeun was full on sobbing, her chest felt tight and she couldn't breath properly, not when Jinsoul was so near her that she thinks that she's being suffocated by her presence. 

The presence she used to love was now suffocating her. 

"You're worthless, incompetent, stupid. I don't get anything from you Jungeun and i'm giving you everything i have!" Jungeun crumbles down. 

Jungeun was stuck in a cycle of mental anguish caused by anxiety. Months of breaking down her walls for Jinsoul was now completely built up in a matter of seconds. 

Jungeun's eyes widened when Jinsoul raised her hand, she flinches and shuts her eyes, crying even more. "Stop, stop, please..!" She lets out a wail, using her arms to cover and protect herself from Jinsoul's attempted hit. Her body was shaking uncontrollably, the way Jinsoul was acting so aggressive makes Jungeun feel overcome by memories of her own abuser being aggressive with her. 

"What is wrong with you Jungeun?" Jinsoul's voice scares her now. "Now i get why Sooyoung told me to break up with you, she was right, you're fucking insane. Do you think i'd be violent with you when you make a mistake?" Jungeun doesn't answer and it irritates Jinsoul even more. "You're the mistake Jungeun. If i just realized it sooner then maybe i would've been violent with you from the start." She chuckles. "And i choose not to be violent, let's break up. I'm not going to stay with a horrible person like you." Jungeun doesn't say another word and just stares at the floor while Jinsoul goes to their room to pack all of her stuff. 

Jungeun felt numb. 

("you're worthless. this is why i chose to divorce your mother, both of you can just rot in this damn house because both of your incompetent asses can't handle the thought of having a job.") 

("you're a mistake jungeun. i refuse to accept you as a lee. don't ever call yourself lee jungeun, take your mother's surname. you and i do not have any relation, i am not your father and you are not my daughter.") 

Jungeun grew up expecting violence when she makes a mistake. She was taught that bad behavior should be corrected with violence so she therefore allows it. 

A fresh twenty eight year old Kim Jungeun stands in front of the counter waiting for her cup of coffee. 

She achieved her dream with the help of her bestfriends: Kim Jiwoo and Choi Yerim who had supported her so much after her breakup. 

She radiated an unbothered aura which somehow intimidated the other customers inside the cafe she entered. 

Jungeun wore a white dress shirt paired with black slacks, a black coat, and a red necktie. She wanted to grab a cup of coffee before going to her client who (probably) isn't in court yet because of how early it was. "Thank you." Jungeun smiles at the cashier who handed her the cup of coffee she ordered. She turns around and walked out of the cafe holding her cup of coffee in one hand while the other held her briefcase that contained documents, files, and important information for her case later. 

The park didn't have too much people, they were mostly people jogging or walking their pets. 

Jungeun finds the sight calming and warm. She hums under her breath and takes a sip of her coffee. Even at such a peaceful morning, her heart was yearning for something that she couldn't tell what. She finds herself thinking about her job and how difficult and entertaining it was at the same time. The thought of doing everything for her client to win a case was great but also ridiculous at the same time if her client was definitely at fault. She doesn't even realize that she had emptied her cup already, she was startled when she couldn't taste any more of the bitter taste of the coffee she ordered. She scrunched her nose up and tosses the empty cup inside the trash bin. 

"Nice toss." Jungeun turns around and freezes on the spot. 

Fuck.

Oh shit. 

"Thanks." She keeps calm and attempts to walk past the person, she wanted to head to the courtroom now and prove her client correct. "Your taste changed a lot." Jungeun halts her tracks. "Plain black coffee? I thought you hated the bitter taste of it?" Jungeun's face fell, was it not clear how much she wanted to not start a conversation? "Listen, i have something important to go to. I don't have time for small talk." She looks up at the person. "Does that make it clear for you, Sooyoung?" She grins at the taller girl that looked at her with somewhat regretful eyes. 

Sooyoung's small smile fell and pink quickly dusted her cheeks, she was embarrassed. "Ah, right, yeah.." She stammered as she fumbles with her own briefcase. "I was just surprised to see you here Lippi-" Sooyoung couldn't finish what she had to say when Jungeun walks past her, not bothering to listen. 

Sooyoung stood on the sidewalk looking dejected. 

-

"Jungie! You're here!" Jungeun's face instantly lights up after seeing her client, Jo Haseul. She jogs inside the courtroom after seeing how excited her client was. "You're having a good day?" Haseul nods. "There's so many evidence against him. I want that asshole in jail." Jungeun chuckles. "I'll make sure to make you win, okay?" Haseul nods once again with a small smile on her face. But all of a sudden, the atmosphere becomes quiet. "What's wrong? Are you worried?" Jungeun asked, glancing at the older girl who held onto her sleeve. "It's just.. if i ever lose.. you'll still believe me right?" Jungeun sighs. 

She puts a hand on Haseul's shoulder. "I'll make sure you win in this case, okay? He's guilty and i'll make sure everyone knows that, i'll never give up on you Haseul." She reassures. "And yes, if i ever fail to make you win this case which of course will have low chances, i'll still and always will believe you." Jungeun added. "You didn't deserve that treatment at all. He had no right to hurt you Haseul." Jungeun could feel how Haseul trembled under her touch, her gaze softens and it makes her even more determined to make Haseul win. "I'm not good at comforting and all but.. i have good friends whose specialty is comforting people, maybe i'll introduce you to them." Haseul giggles and it makes Jungeun feel warm on the inside at the sound. "Okay." 

Jo Haseul was the complainant, she had decided to sue her husband who has been abusing her for years now with domestic violence in the criminal court and it was Jungeun's job to prove Haseul's husband or possibly ex-husband, guilty. 

"Thanks, that'd be great." Haseul sits on the chair while Jungeun opens her briefcase to prepare the files she had brought with her. So when she hears the chair beside them screeching against the floor, she looks up to get a look at Haseul's husband and froze when she sees his private attorney:

Jung Jinsoul. 

Jungeun's movements stopped and her body froze. She couldn't believe who she was about to face later, just thinking of it makes her skin crawl. She bites her bottom lip, her grip on one of the files tightening and her knuckles turning white. Why was she here? Why was she here? Why was she here? Why? Why? WHY? 

Jungeun gulps down the lump that was stuck in her throat. She doesn't remember Jinsoul telling her that she wanted to be a criminal defense attorney, no she did not. What made Jinsoul want to pursue being a criminal defense attorney? Was it her dream? Did she wanted to be a defense attorney or did she just choose to be one because of her great communication skills? When did she study law anyway? So many questions were spinning around Jungeun's head and the fact that she locked eyes with Jinsoul makes it even worse, she could see the same twinkling black eyes that she fell for back then. 

When Jinsoul smiled, memories came back like a tsunami. 

Jungeun was once again reminded of their memories together, she was reminded of how much she loved and treasured their moments together and how much she wanted it not to end. 

But those memories didn't give her happiness anymore. 

It haunted her.

She resented Jinsoul. 

She resented her so much for making her relive her childhood trauma and caused her more distress, made her feel isolated and made her go back to her self-destructive behavior. 

But was it just Jinsoul who triggered it back? 

But fuck, the way Jinsoul just looked at her so adoringly makes her want to let her guard down, even just for a little bit. 

Thank god Haseul was there to snap her out of that fucking stupor. 

"Jungeun?" Jungeun was snapped back to reality and she quickly looks away, not wanting to lock eyes with Jinsoul again. She doesn't want to meet eyes with the person who ruined her adolescent life. She turns around and looks at Haseul. "Let's get this over with, shall we?" She smiles lowly and Haseul just gives her a doubtful look as if she knew what was going on in Jungeun's head but nonetheless nodded. It was like she knew that she was in no place to ask Jungeun about her personal life, but it's not like she didn't notice the way Jungeun and the defense attorney looked at each other, it was like there was an unresolved sexual tension between them but let's keep that a secret. 

The trial had started with Judge Jeon Heejin greeting everyone in the courtroom and officially starting. 

And the whole time, Jinsoul kept staring at Jungeun and adoring the way the younger girl opened her mouth to say what she needed to say. 

Fuck. 

-

Jungeun packs her stuff. "Thanks for today Jungeun." Haseul spoke, "I'm.. quite surprised how the defense attorney quickly gave up mid-way through the trial." Jungeun chuckles. "There's too many evidence, there's no way she can manage to defend her client. I told you, i got it." Jungeun winks which made Haseul laugh at the attempt because Jungeun fails miserably when a paper flies off somewhere. "Ah!" Jungeun quickly ran after the paper that flew away which stopped in front of a pair of feet. 

Jungeun recognized the shoes. 

Damn it. 

She grabs the paper and tries to walk back to Haseul- "Jungeun?" Jungeun doesn't listen, she had already told herself that she didn't want anything that involved Jinsoul nor wanted to have small talk, it took her years to convince herself that she'll never let a person like Jung Jinsoul back in her life. Not when Jinsoul had ruined everything for her back then. "Jungeun?" Jinsoul repeated and grabs Jungeun's wrist to try and get her attention. 

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘦!

"What do you want?" Jungeun spoke through gritted teeth and Jinsoul takes note of the way Jungeun's jaw clenched. "How are you?" Jinsoul takes the risk to send Jungeun an eye smile. 

A short pang of nostalgia hits both of them. It was like the first time they've met, it was Jinsoul who started a conversation while holding an irritated Jungeun's wrist. 

( hi yes this is a flashback, i'm worried about using an italic font because it might all become boxes so i'll just put these to show that these kinds of parts are written for past ! ) 

("Hi Jungeun!" An irritated six year old Kim Jungeun turns her head to look at the person who decided to hold her wrist. "What do you want!? Let go of me! I'll tell my mom on you!" Please note that this threat did not scare eight year old Jung Jinsoul whatsoever because who would be scared of a peanut sized child threatening that they'll tell you on their mother? Exactly, no one. 

What's funny is, Kim Jungeun was hot-headed yet was born so tiny that anyone can push her with barely any strength and she'd still fall because one, she's small, two, she has no balance, and three, she's a crybaby. Jinsoul loved teasing crybabies like her little sister, Chaewon who was a brat and took all of their parents' attention. "I'm Jinsoul!" Jinsoul introduces herself to the younger child who furrowed her brows at her. "Okay?? I didn't ask for your name, why are you giving it to me?" Jinsoul frowned. "I want to be friends with you!" Jinsoul exclaimed with a huge smile on her face. She had dropped the f-bomb on Jungeun who looked puzzled. 

"B-B-But.. you're so tall! You might step on me!" Jungeun whines with tears in her eyes. Jinsoul laughs. "No i won't! I don't have blurry eyes like my mom!" She reassured, all she wanted was to be friends with one of the Kim's because her best friend Sooyoung was best friends with a Kim. "Really? And why should i trust you?" Jungeun asked, her eyes were filed with doubt as she looked at Jinsoul who was in deep thought trying to think of a nice excuse to convince Jungeun to become her friend. "Because if were friends, i'd never hurt you!" It just took that one simple answer to have Jungeun squealing and nodding her head happily. "Okay! Okay let's be friends!" She yells out, jumping along with Jinsoul who celebrated. 

And that was the start of their friendship, it just took Jinsoul's light convincing to convince Kim Jungeun to be friends with her and they inseparable since then.) 

"I'm okay." Jungeun spoke blankly. She made sure she didn't show any motive to Jinsoul that she was planning to reconnect with her again because in fact, she didn't have any plans to do so. Jinsoul still stared at her as if she was analyzing Jungeun's face after being away from her for years and leaving her with scars. Jungeun desperately wanted to scream at Jinsoul to fuck off but for some reason, she couldn't. It was like she missed the attention Jinsoul gave to her, and her heart started to beat out of her chest, and possibly this was the answer that Jungeun's heart had been yearning for; Jinsoul. 

Jungeun was tempted to say her name, but just the thought of saying it again makes her sick. It made her sick to her stomach and she felt like she was going to puke if she ever say Jinsoul's name out loud. So, she resists temptation. "It's getting late. I have to go now, see you soon Ms. Jung." Jungeun tries all her might to be polite before yanking her wrist back, turned on her heel, closed her brief case, bid goodbye to her client and walked away. 

Jinsoul stood frozen on the spot, she felt paralyzed. She can't believe she still had the chance to be able to touch Jungeun just for a little bit. It made her heart beat quick, she could still feel Jungeun's soft and smooth skin against her fingers and she longed for more touches. 

But the way Jungeun looked at her with shaking eyes, she knew what kind of effect she had left on the younger. 

It made her dizzy. 

The sense of what she loved, what was once familiar to her turned and showed her a new, terrifying face. 

It was like she wasn't the Kim Jungeun she had met back then, it seemed like the woman had decided to change her whole self and became this intimidating soulless person who didn't care about other people's feelings. 

It scared Jinsoul. It scared Jinsoul so bad. 

How can someone so carefree, hot-headed, and loud become like that? 

.. How? 

Jungeun's eyes were black, it was soulless, it was lifeless, the way it drilled into Jinsoul's. Jinsoul couldn't help but think - She's never seen Jungeun's dark eyes look so.. unlighted. It was as if someone had completely destroyed her because the damage was embedded in her eyes. Anyone could notice it when they're close enough to Jungeun to be able to look and stare at her in the eyes.

(jinsoul misses the anger and the look of desire to destroy something in jungeun's eyes.)


	2. i'm not fucking happy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> with his finger in my face, then he'd say: "what a waste, what a waste."   
> what a waste! what a waste!  
> what a waste! what a waste!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merry christmas & happy holidays to those who celebrates! how are you? i hope you're doing great! 
> 
> this chapter contains child abuse (physical and verbal) and mentions of suicide. if you are not comfortable with that content, please skip the first part and the last part.

Jungeun wanted to tear something into shreds. 

The desire to destroy something was so strong, her hand started to twitch while she sits on her couch trying to calm herself down and chant in her head that it was okay. 

It's okay. 

It's okay. 

It's okay. 

It's okay. 

It's okay. 

Jungeun shuts her eyes, trying to think of something to drift her mind off to sleep. She did not want to think of her or him. 

Both of them are the same anyway. 

She's mine to deal with. 

She is mine to destroy. 

Jungeun grins to herself as she sits back to relax. "Oh, this is great." She giggles to herself. 

She remembers coming across Sooyoung that morning and meeting Jinsoul in the courtroom. 

"My favorite people all here to ruin my life when i'm at the top." She started, she was talking to no one since she lived alone. "Now this isn't the life i asked for." Her face dims. "But i have to count on them to fuck it up." She giggles once again, settling in a comfortable position on the couch. She couldn't bother standing up to sleep on her bed, her mind was being loud again and she didn't know how to make it calm itself down. 

"After all, those who behaves badly gets corrected." 

She looks up at her ceiling. "I've been a good girl haven't i, dad?" She asked. "Have i? I don't remember thinking of someone badly or thinking wrongly of them." She murmurs to herself. "Am i even allowed to call you my dad?" She asked once again. Silence fills the whole room. 

"You never really treated me as your daughter. Your pills were the ones who gave you thrills and you put all your anger out on me." She continued, she pursed her lips, thinking. "Did i ever wronged you, father?" Her hand becomes a fist. "Did i misbehave and made so many mistakes as a child?" Her fists clenched. "Did i really deserve all that correction?" Her veins were popping. "You beat me and mom, but i think i turned out fine." Her face becomes red and contorts in anger. "I don't think mom survived. How does it feel like ruining your daughter and your wife's lives?" Her throat becomes dry. "I want to hurt you Sunghoo. Make you experience what it's like to be corrected violently." She laughs out. 

Silence. 

"If i'm being honest, if my dream wasn't to be a prosecutor then i would've killed you." She spoke blankly. "But it seemed like somebody else was angrier than me and killed you first." She looks down at her glass of water. "I do say it's quite a shame. I personally wanted to try and see how it would feel being the abuser." Jungeun radiated such an odd aura around her, the way she was having those intrusive thoughts scared her herself. "I'm sick of being the abused. Even my ex-girlfriend had to make me relive my moments with you." 

Silence. 

"Lee Sunghoo." 

"What does death feel like?" 

("what a waste! what a waste! what a waste!") 

"Ah.. i'm hearing your voice again.." 

"Could you please cut that out?" 

Jungeun finally has had enough. 

She grabs the glass of water and throws it on the wall, it's glass pieces falling down on the floor with a loud sound that echoed throughout the apartment. "I'm terrified." She spoke to herself. "I'm terrified of what you've done to me and how i turned out to be." She clenched her fists, staring at the floor while tears poured out. "I don't understand. Did you take pleasure in hurting me? Are you happy?" She grits her teeth. She was mad, so so mad, she can't believe her own father would do that to her. "Because i swear to god, if you weren't happy of what you've done to me, i will not hesitate to bring you back from the dead." 

( hi yes, this is another flashback, just a reminder: i love you and i hope you're taking care of yourself. mwah. also, trigger warning: physical and verbal abuse ) 

("This is unbelievable Jungeun." Seven year old Kim Jungeun stood idly by as her father grips on his own hair in frustration. His face was red and his face was contorted in anger that it shook Jungeun off her shoes. "D-Dad-" "I told you not to call me that, i am not your father, remember?" Jungeun sniffles, keeping in her tears. "Wh.. What am i supposed to call you then?" The man glares at her for asking a question. "Did i give you the permission to ask a question?" Jungeun zips her mouth, shaking her head. She was scared of the man that stood in front of her. 

"Have i told you how much i hated you Jungeun?" Jungeun's heart sinks. 

𝘋𝘢𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘮𝘦..? 

"I've always hated you ever since you were born. You made me work more hours just to provide you and your mother a good life." Jungeun was confused. What was her father saying? Didn't he say he was going out to them food everyday? What even was work? How did Jungeun make her father work for her and her mother? Of course, the man's words doesn't process inside the seven year old's brain, she doesn't even know what work was. "i did everything for you and your mother yet you repay me back by disappointing me." He walks towards the tiny child that stood in fear. 

"All you do is disappoint me Jungeun. You're a fucking disappointment." He flicks her forehead which makes Jungeun wince before he raised a hand and swung it across the child's cheek. The sound of skin hitting skin echoed throughout the whole house and silence fills the atmosphere after. 

Jungeun started to tremble, her cheek stung. Her eyes slowly made it's way to look at her father who had bent down to get on her level, he was staring back at her with blank eyes that was filled with anger, disappointment, and resentment. Jungeun's breath hitched in realization. Her dad hates her. 

"B-B-But.." "Shut the fuck up, you're so annoying, why can't you learn how to shut your damn mouth?" He barks swinging another slap to hit his child who fell on the floor from the harsh impact on her face. He lets out a sigh and stands up to turn around and walk away from his child who was crying while holding her cheek. 

Jungeun bit her bottom lip. Where was mom? Why isn't she here? Where is she? Her heart was beating and she could still feel her cheek stinging, it hurt so bad. Her father was out of her sight while she stays put on the floor. Her father has never hurt her before.. so what happened now? 

Fourteen year old Kim Jungeun stands in front of her father who held a bottle of pills in his hand. He could barely walk in a straight line and kept on staggering to his feet, swaying a little. He had this look on his face that was unreadable, even for Jungeun. 

The girl just gripped on her jeans and stared at her father with her guard up and prepared herself if he ever decides to hit her. Jungeun was used to getting hit. Ever since he laid a hand on her when she was seven, he found it amazing how his daughter kept on crying and begged him to stop when he gets too aggressive and hit her so hard to point where it would sometimes knock Jungeun out. And the next day, she'll wake up covered in her own blood. 

"Dad-" Jungeun's call was interrupted when the man stumbled a little, a light bitter chuckle escaping his mouth. He reeked alcohol and his behavior wasn't to be tolerated, but who was Jungeun to protest? She lives with him, he makes the rules, not her. It's not like her feelings was even thought of, no one cared about her or her feelings, her father had made it clear to her when he forced her to play a knife game with him while her mother lied on the floor coughing and choking out blood. 

"Shut up brat." He spat, popping open the cap of the bottle and swallowing two pills, letting it slide down his throat. 

He looks down at the tiny fourteen year old who look nervous and scared, he could sense the fear radiating from her. He grins at it. The thought of traumatizing his daughter was so pleasing to him, Jungeun was being a good girl and was obediently listening to every word he says without any objections, he thinks that he has raised her well to have her behave like a princess. 

He makes his way towards the tiny brunette who shrunk under his intimidating gaze, she was trembling hard and he noticed it yet doesn't bother to try and calm her down. Jungeun needed to learn how to keep her guard up at all costs, he thought. 

The moment where he was finally in front of Jungeun, he raised his index finger and puts it right in Jungeun's face, maintaining eye contact with the girl. He grits his teeth, analyzing his daughter's face. 

"What a waste.") 

Jungeun blinks, she looks at her hand which shook hard. "What- I.." Her throat dries up even more and tears started to fall from her eyes. What did she just say? Why was she acting like that? She stepped back in fear, she doesn't even know if she was in control of her body anymore, why was she having those kinds of thoughts? "What the hell is wrong with me..?" She cried out, crouching down and gripped on her own shirt while her eyes were shut closed. 

What the fuck was happening? 

\- 

"Hey Jungeun!" Jungeun stood on her place and sends a weak smile at the other girl. "Hey.." She greeted back, she didn't want to seem rude. "Remember about the girl i was talking about? The one with the pretty eyes?" No, Jungeun did not remember that but she nodded anyway. "Well guess what! She's in town and i wanted to introduce you and Yerim to her!" Jiwoo squealed excitedly and Jungeun feels warm, just the sight of her best friend being so excited because of another person (that wasn't her or Yerim) makes her feel soft on the inside. "Sure Wooming." She smiles and Jiwoo squeals even more, her scream piercing through Jungeun's ears, making the brunette wince. 

"I promise you'll love her!" Jiwoo added while jumping up and down with a huge smile on her face. She was excited for Jungeun to meet the girl she's been seeing and she can't help but show her joy physically. Jungeun who was holding a bag of marshmallows giggled. "Jiwoo, i will love anyone who loves you." Jungeun reassures with a smile on her face. "And if they do try to hurt you, i'm going to talk to them, okay?" Jiwoo furrowed her brows. "In a prosecutor way or in a threatening way?" Jungeun gives her a sly grin. "Both?" Jiwoo giggles and playfully smacks Jungeun's shoulder. She knew how protective Jungeun and Yerim can get over her and would probably throttle someone for her. 

"Right, so i'll call you later at six?" Jungeun gives her a doubtful look. "Why six? You guys going on a date at six?" Jiwoo nods. "But not just a date, you and Yerim are tagging along!" Jungeun grows worried, what if she and Yerim could ruin Jiwoo's beloved date? "Wooming, i-" Jungeun gulped. "Are you sure about this? You do know that it's okay if you want to spend the day with your date, right? Me and Yerim don't have to tag along. You have a life outside our friend circle." Jungeun reassured the younger girl who looked at her with somewhat worried eyes. 

"Really? You won't get upset if i don't invite you to my date?" Jungeun bursts out in laughter. "Jiwoo, of course not. Why would i be?" Jungeun rubs Jiwoo's back softly. "I would support you instead." A thought goes inside Jungeun's head; Why was Jiwoo so worried about that? "Jiwoo, do what you want okay? We'll just support your from the back." Jiwoo doesn't answer anymore and instead pulls Jungeun into a hug, rubbing her head against Jungeun's chest, surprising the slightly taller girl. "Hey!" Jungeun whines and Jiwoo just smiles. 

Jungeun walks back to her home all alone with intrusive thoughts lingering in her head and her father's voice ringing in her ears as she held her fourth cup of coffee in hand. 

It was night time already. 

Jungeun was bored out of her mind, the judge had let them press criminal charges against Haseul's ex-husband and Haseul was fixing the files that she needed to give to Jungeun. She sits on her couch quietly, the whole apartment was silent, and with no one to keep Jungeun company, she felt.. lonely. 

She looks down and sees her tiny puppy that Yerim had convinced her to adopt sitting on the floor looking up at her with it's tongue sticking out, it looked at her as if it was anticipating Jungeun to drop the w-bomb. Jungeun grins at it, she knew exactly what it wanted, she leans forward. "Chae, you wanna go on a walk?" The puppy lets out a tiny bark which caused Jungeun to giggle. "Alright, come on." She stands up, watching the puppy's tail wag happily while it jumped excitedly trying to give tiny scratches on Jungeun's pink-ish knees. 

Jungeun laughs wholeheartedly for the first time in a while, and while she wears her shoes, she thought to herself, - maybe adopting a puppy isn't that bad. 

What sucks was, Jungeun didn't have any leash so it was hard to walk her puppy who was incredibly very hyper, it would keep on running and jumping from place to place that it was so difficult to be able to keep up with it. "Chae-!" Jungeun called out, almost tripping on air when she sees her tiny puppy running off in the park without her. She quickly regains her balance and ran after the hyper puppy that entered the park without her. 

The park was dark and looked empty, she guessed that not many people were there since it was night already, no street lamp post was turned on, it was dark and just by seeing that, Jungeun quickly starts to regret walking her pup in the park. She should've walked it when the sun was still shining. "Chae? Chaewon?" She called out, looking around, cursing to herself for losing the pup already when she had just adopted it earlier. "Chae, come on, can you bark for me?" She adds. "Just give mommy an idea where you're at?" Jungeun starts to think that maybe she sounded insane for calling out for a dog that wouldn't understand what she's saying. 

When she continues to walk further inside the park, she sees one lamp post with it's light shining brightly. She squints her eyes and sees a familiar wagging tail. Her eyes lights up and she doesn't hesitate to run over and see Chaewon. Just having the puppy away from her already makes her nervous. 

When she finally gets a full view, she sees Chaewon being petted on the head by someone. She slows down her steps and warily walked towards the person, wanting to thank them for staying with Chaewon. 

But when she sees who it was, her heart dropped and her hands balls up into a fist quickly. 

Why did the world hate her so much to keep on making her cross paths with the person she hates? 

"Chaewon." She called out to the puppy. "C'mere, it's getting late." She cooed, looking at the tiny animal with pleading eyes because she desperately wanted to leave but how can she when her puppy's too busy hanging out with a complete stranger? Aren't puppies supposed to have their guard up? Why was hers so carefree and would let strangers pet it's head? Jungeun could feel sharp eyes digging through her and she refuses to look up, she ignores it. Her business of being there was just for her puppy, nothing else. "Chae, come on, we have to go home, mommy's going to cook chicken for you." She added, she hopes that Chaewon knew what chicken was. 

The puppy's ear perked up after hearing a specific word that was somewhat familiar to it. It doesn't hesitate to run towards it's owner's hands, letting itself be petted on the head by a soft hand that belonged to the person who willingly adopted it. The puppy quickly starts to lick Jungeun's hand which results to Jungeun giggling a little and scratching it's chin. 

"Is that your puppy?" Jungeun grumbles under her breath. Is it not obvious? She almost lets out a scoff but held herself back. She needed to act professional. She can't let her emotions control everything she does. Not anymore. 

"Yes, it is." She spoke, finally plucking in the courage to look at the person in the eyes, she was amused by their reaction since they visibly flinched. 

In the inside, Jungeun wanted to smirk so bad, she knew that the person probably thought they still had control over her as if she was the same Jungeun from back then. The same Jungeun who was shy. The same Jungeun who listened to her heart over her brain. The same Jungeun who went through life senselessly. The same Jungeun who accepts people quickly into her life. The same Jungeun who forgives too fast. The same Jungeun who respected everyone despite how badly they treat her. 

The same Jungeun who accepts violence when used on her. 

"So how's it been?" Jungeun frowns. "As i've said before Ms. Jung, i am doing okay." She answers the question in a monotone. "Well.. how's your night?" Jungeun sighs, the person's persistence was starting to annoy her. "It's going alright." She answered. The person just stared at her and she was slowly getting uncomfortable by their gaze. "Jungeun.. can we talk?" Jungeun sighs once again. "Are we not talking already, Ms. Jung?" It was now the person's turn to get irritated and Jungeun starts to think that they do not like being addressed formally. 

"Can you stop calling me that?" Jungeun stays quiet, she can't find herself saying the person's name, it was just so hard to do. "Jungeun, can you call me by my name? Were not in court, you don't have to address me as Ms. Jung." Jungeun grits her teeth, who does she think she is to think that i'd still call her by her name as if we were okay? "Whether we are in court or not, i prefer to call you Ms. Jung. Simply calling you by your name so casually is an odd thing for me to do." Jungeun was surprised at herself, how was she able to stay composed? It has been exactly two minutes since they started to talk and things are going quite well, though it was very different than what Jungeun had thought of in her head. 

"I'm letting you call me by my name." The person stated. "And as i've already said before, i do not want to call you by your first name." Jungeun flinched in surprised when the person held both of her hands so suddenly, anxiety quickly builds up and Jungeun didn't know what to do. 

Oh god. 

Why is this happening to me? 

I don't want this. 

"Please.. please Jungeun, can we talk?" Jungeun shakes her head, she can't find herself opening her mouth and saying an answer, it was so difficult. She felt like she was being suffocated once again, the air around her disappearing and simply breathing seemed so hard to do. Jungeun felt like her heart was palpitating and that caused her to panic a little. "Please, i really just want to discuss what happened back then-" "That was years ago, we don't have to talk about that." Jungeun cuts off, she needed to leave immediately, she can't stay there, not when she was being suffocated by her own self and that person's presence. 

"Do you hate me Jungeun? Is it really that hard to talk to me? Even if it was years ago, i really want to talk about it-" Jungeun's face starts to turn red. "Ms. Jung, i have to go, please stop being so persistent." She dismisses and tries to yank her wrists back but failed to do so when the grip around it tightened, making her wince. 

"Jungie please.." 

"You know i didn't really mean it.." 

Jungeun froze. 

What did she just say? 

What did she just fucking say? 

What does she fucking mean by that? 

Anger rises and Jungeun was about to blow up. 

"Shut the fuck up Jinsoul." 

Jinsoul flinched at the sudden use of profanity, when she locks eyes with Jungeun she could see the pure rage and her blood runs cold. 

Uh-oh. 

"What the fuck do you mean by that?!" Jungeun yells, yanking her wrists back harshly. "You made me relive my traumatic moments, you fucking traumatized me Jinsoul and you're gonna say that you didn't fucking mean any of what you said!?" Jinsoul steps back, she's never seen Jungeun be so angry, but then again, who was she to know when she had walked out of the younger girl's life?

"How can you fucking say that to me!?" Jungeun was stepping forward while Jinsoul continued to step back in fear. "You called me a waste. You said the exact same words he said and then you'll say you didn't mean any of it?" Jungeun chuckles bitterly. "What do you take me for Jinsoul? Do you think i'm a fucking fool? A fool who's stuck in a loop of trauma and anxiety?" Jinsoul gulped, Jungeun's body was swaying from side to side, making her seem more like she didn't have any control of herself. 

"You left me when i needed you the most, you walked out of my life with a reminder of my father." The words slapped Jinsoul hard, she could hear sniffles coming from the shorter girl. "You're just like him." Jinsoul's heart broke. "And you know what? I do agree with what you both said. I truly am a horrible person." Jinsoul's mouth opens, she was about to object but was interrupted. "Because if i wasn't then maybe i wouldn't have gone through all of that, right?" Jungeun chuckles once again and Jinsoul could hear the pain through her voice. 

"What a waste.." Jungeun says through gritted teeth. 

Guilt fills Jinsoul up in a second. Her heart broke when she heard the words come out of Jungeun's lips. The exact words she had said when they were still together. 

"I grew up thinking that the right way of correcting someone's wrong behavior is through violence." Jungeun bit her bottom lip. 

"And i fucking accepted it. I accepted the abuse because i thought that it would help me be a better person." 

Jungeun looks up, and at that exact moment, Jinsoul's tears fell out of her eyes. 

Jungeun was crying, her eyes were red and puffy, the pain was printed all over her face, everything she had just said was making her feel overwhelmed. 

"Do you think i've become a better person Jinsoul?" Jinsoul finally got the idea. Jungeun was tormented all her life. 

Jinsoul's heart stung, she never thought she affected Jungeun this badly. 

"Fuck you Jinsoul. You just had to show up in my life when i thought i was getting better." Jinsoul felt numb at the words. "You just had to ruin everything for me. At this point, i'm not even surprised that you're one of the reasons why i want to kill myself." 

Jungeun wiped her eyes using her sleeves, turned around and left while her puppy followed after. 

Jinsoul stood under the lamp post overwhelmed and crying. 

(what a waste, what a waste.)


	3. i'm never happy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> literally a million other reasons i gotta pretend i'm okay but i'm not, i'm not, i'm not, i'm not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick check in, how are you? i hope you're doing amazing, if you're not, then i'm sorry but don't be discouraged because of that, things will work out, it just takes time, all you have to do is be patient. <3
> 
> trigger warning: this chapter contains; child abuse & suicide. (so if you are not comfortable or do not want to read that content, please click out when it's nearing the end, i'll make sure to put a warning as a heads up!)

Ever since that incident in the park, Jinsoul had been trying her best to try and reach out to Jungeun. She was desperate to clear things up, she didn't mean to hurt the younger girl so much. 

Jungeun on the other hand was starting to get infuriated by Jinsoul's presence. Anywhere she goes, Jinsoul was there, and it was starting to get on her nerves, especially since Jinsoul kept on trying to start a conversation to her to which she always dismisses.

"I mean, seriously, why can't she just get the signal that i don't want anything to do with her?" 

Jungeun huffs with her arms crossed, she was spread out across Yerim's bed while the younger girl was busy eating ice cream while listening to her. "I mean, maybe she's really desperate to talk to you unnie." Yerim suggested. Jungeun used all of her strength not to roll her eyes because she knew that the younger girl could get hurt by that action. "We have nothing to talk about. I keep on pushing her away yet she just doesn't stop." Yerim hums with a spoon in her mouth, contemplating about Jungeun's words and trying to understand Jinsoul's perspective. 

"Well is there any certain topics she wanted to talk about with you?" Jungeun pursed her lips. Was she ready to open up to Yerim about her past? It was no lie that the younger girl was a professional when it comes to keeping secrets, she barely opens her mouth when others open up to her, she just nods and understands them. Jungeun closed her eyes, she needed to ponder over this for a moment and she hoped Yerim got the signal that she needed a little time to think for a second. 

Yerim understood the signal and continues to get a scoop of ice cream in her spoon, letting the sweet taste of vanilla cover her tongue, satisfying her taste buds. 

"We.. we were a thing back then." Jungeun started. Yerim keeps quiet, she knew she shouldn't say anything and let Jungeun say what she needed to say. "I mean.. i did told you that i was a victim of child abuse before, right?" Yerim nods. "Yeah.. so.. i opened up to Jinsoul about it back then, so she was very aware about that." Jungeun scrunches up her nose when she felt the tears sneaking in her eyes. 

She shouldn't cry now. 

Why should she? 

It was all in the past? 

"She got really mad one day and burst out on me." She stated. "She started saying all these horrible things to me and called me a horrible person for thinking that she was going to hurt me." Her voice cracks, now that she thinks about it, Jinsoul's words really did affected her so much. "She told me that i was insane.." Slowly, tears starts to slide down Jungeun's pale cheeks, her breath shaking. Jungeun gulps air into her upper chest so she couldn't let out a sob. "And that if she just realized sooner that i was a mistake from the beginning, then she would've been violent with me also." 

Jungeun was about to wipe away her tears but when she felt Yerim's soft hand holding hers and giving it a little squeeze, she bursts into tears. 

Yerim's hold on her wasn't too tight nor was it too loose, it was perfect. Jungeun could feel the comfort and she appreciated the fact that Yerim was empathizing with her quietly and she can't help but sob more because of it. 

She doesn't deserve Yerim. Yerim had always stuck to her like glue ever since she met Jungeun inside a tea shop and became friends with her, she never asked Jungeun the reason why she and her ex broke up, she never asked Jungeun to open up to her about her past, she just focused on the present Jungeun and not her past. 

"She said the same words my father said to me back then." 

Silence. 

No sound came from Yerim, only the sound of Jungeun's cries echoed inside the room and Yerim isn't bothered by it.

"I'm not good at giving advices." Yerim started as she pulls the older girl in her arms, letting Jungeun cry on her neck. "But it's your choice whether you want to talk to her or not, and seeing as how you've been avoiding and ignoring her, i'm guessing you don't want to." Yerim whispered softly. "And that's okay. You don't have to force yourself to talk to her, you're not obligated to do so." Yerim rubs her back as a sign of comfort and Jungeun melts under her touch. 

"You want to forget the past and move on with your life, i respect that, i really do." Jungeun snuggles closer into Yerim wanting to feel more comfort. "But so should she. I don't know her personally but i don't like her already, i'm not saying that because i'm your best friend but because i really don't like her and the way she proposed the break up." Yerim's voice started to sound deep and Jungeun doesn't bother to question it, she doesn't even want to look at the younger girl because she already assumed that she was fuming already. 

"Her making you relive your traumatic moment with your dad is unacceptable. Her doing that because she was mad isn't a good reason either, and the fact that she did that and said horrible things to you to destroy your self-esteem, make you feel miserable and traumatize you is purely despicable." Jungeun listened intently to every word Yerim spoke out. Her hand grips on Yerim's sleeve and Yerim lets her. "I don't know if she's a good friend or a good girlfriend but she's the lowest of the low as a person." 

(She's the lowest of the low as a person.)

(You want to forget the past and move on with your life, i respect that, i really do.)

Yerim's words rung inside Jungeun's ears. The way there was no hesitation present in Yerim's words when she said what she needed to say was enough to help ease Jungeun's nerves and calm her a little. Yerim was genuine with what she said and she didn't sound regretful about it, she didn't even sound like she said those because she was friends with Jungeun, it sounded like she said that as if it was for a debate. "I love you Yerim." Jungeun mumbled and hugged the younger girl tighter, snuggling further. 

And finally, Jungeun hears a soft laugh come out of Yerim. She didn't think she'd miss Yerim's laughs that much but she did, she thinks that she'll never be able to handle an extremely serious Yerim in the future. 

"I love you too unnie." 

Jungeun closes her eyes. 

Maybe Yerim's right. 

It's my choice. 

I shouldn't let her overpower me again. 

Not anymore. 

(slowly, the voice of her father dies out in the back of her head.) 

Jungeun sips on her coffee. She didn't have any cases to deal with and Haseul's ex-husband was sent to jail for twenty six years for domestic violence and for being a drug kingpin. Her eyes darts up to the clock and sees that it was time for her to visit Haseul. She grins to herself, she missed Haseul for some reason, maybe it was because she had told Haseul that she'll introduce her to her friends: Jiwoo and Yerim. 

She stands up from her seat and walks out of the cafe, she had also bought her puppy Chaewon a leash and a mint colored collar that has her name sewed on it. 

When Jungeun started walking to her destination, she was immediately stopped when she hears her name being called. She turns around and sees Jiwoo sitting on a bench with a huge smile on her face and another person who was taller than her sitting on the side. "Jungeun! Jungeun, hi!" Jiwoo yells out, Jungeun chuckles under her breath and waved back. "Come here! I want to introduce you to the girl i was talking about the other day!" Of course, Jungeun was curious and excited at the same time, she wanted to know who was making Jiwoo happy for the past few days. 

She sends a small nod and walked towards them with small steps, and as she gets nearer her heart slowly sank. Her movements came to a halt and her body freezes. She could feel her head throbbing and her chest tightens. 

Am i imagining this or is this real? 

Please, am i imagining? 

Please.

"Hi.." Jungeun wanted to scream at the top of her lungs out of anger, despair and doubt. How was this even fucking possible? Was the world out to get her or what? How small is the world to make her meet the same people she desperately did not want to meet? 

Jungeun crumbles down on her spot, her grip on the cup of coffee tightens causing the liquid to spill down on her hand. She doesn't even hiss or wince from the hot liquid on her hand, she's just stunned and felt numb at this point. 

Jiwoo looks at her worriedly and then at her date. "Jungeun?" She called out when she noticed the awkward atmosphere. Her date had greeted Jungeun yet the girl didn't answer back and just stared her down. Jungeun seemed to snap out of her trance and look down at her hand and grumbled under her breath when she realized that the coffee had spilled on her hand and wrist, making it smell like black coffee. 

"Uh yeah." Jungeun smiles awkwardly. She just needed to get away from them, 𝘯𝘰𝘸. "Hi." She spoke through gritted teeth. She could care less about the fact that she can see trepidation and innocence in the eyes of Jiwoo's date. "I'm Sooyoung. Ha Sooyoung." Jungeun's jaw clenched and so did her hand that held the cup of coffee making it crumpled. 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸, 𝘪 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸. Jungeun starts to chant to herself that it was okay and that everything was going to be okay, there was no need for her to fall apart in public. 

"Jungeun." She deadpanned. 

Jiwoo's eyes lit up when she heard them introduce themselves. "This is the girl, Jungeun! This was my date! Isn't she pretty?" She exclaimed happily while linking arms with Sooyoung whose face turned red in embarrassment. 

Keep composed. 

Just stay calm. 

She's not a threat. 

Right? 

.. 

.. Right? 

Jungeun wished she just stayed home, she wished she just stayed home and cuddle with Chaewon, she wished she never visited the cafe that way she didn't have to come across the two girls in front of her, she wished she just headed straight to Haseul's home, she wished she was far away from Sooyoung. 

Jungeun swallowed her fear. "Yes, nice to meet you." She spoke formally. "Hope you take care of my Jiwoo." Jiwoo whines at Jungeun's words and Jungeun chuckles, she needed to ease the atmosphere since Jiwoo's trying her best to do so, might as well just follow along. Plus, she needed to distract herself from thinking about Sooyoung. "I-I will.." She hears Sooyoung stammer. 

You better fucking do. 

If i find out that you're still the same from back then, i'm going to throttle you. 

"Right uh Jiwoo." She clears her throat. "I have a friend that i'm supposed to meet so i have to go now." She reasons herself out of the situation. 

She waits for Jiwoo to smile and nod at her, telling her to go ahead because she really needed to go, she found it hard to breath. 

Jiwoo shoots her another worried yet doubtful look but nonetheless nodded. "Have a safe trip." She spoke with a sad tone and as much as Jungeun wanted to approach Jiwoo to hug and apologize to her, Sooyoung's gaze restrained her to do so. She doesn't want to be near Sooyoung or Jinsoul, never. 

Jungeun doesn't look back and walked away in the most fast pace she had with a certain someone's voice ringing in her eyes. 

("you're insane jungeun.") 

Tears filled Jungeun's eyes while her back was leaned against a wall, she had messaged Haseul that something important came up and that she couldn't visit her. 

The voices were loud. Too loud. 

She pulls out her phone and dials a phone number, she begged that they would answer the call because it was raining hard and she didn't have any umbrella. Running back to her home would be much more dangerous considering the fact that the sky was now dimmed and the clouds were pouring out hard drops of rain. 

Her eyes lit up and her heart starts to beat out of her chest when the call was accepted. 

"Unnie?" 

"Y-Yerim.." 

Jungeun could hear things dropping on the other line as if something chaotic had happened, she bites down on her bottom lip to suppress her cries. She needed Yerim to come pick her up because she doesn't know what could happen if she stays out too late, she doesn't want the same incident to happen back in the park or worse. 

"Unnie where are you?" 

Jungeun hears a zip on the other line and she guessed that Yerim wore a jacket and zipped it up. 

"S-Station stop.." Jungeun was shivering, it was so cold and not wearing any sleeves or jacket makes it even worse. 

"Please wait for me there, i'll pick you up, okay?" Jungeun nodded to no one, she just wished Yerim was there. "Can you.. can you make it fast? I'm sorry baby.." Jungeun couldn't handle it, she breaks down in tears. She didn't want to burden Yerim but she didn't want to call Jiwoo either, she was afraid Sooyoung would tag along. "Unnie it's okay, you don't have to apologize, and yes, i'll get to you there as fast as i can, yeah? Don't go anywhere unless there's a creep bothering you." The line becomes quiet and Jungeun doesn't know what to say, only her sobs came out from her. 

Jungeun hears a car starting from Yerim's line. "Stay on the phone with me?" Jungeun gulps too loudly. "O-Okay.." 

During the call, Yerim somehow managed to calm Jungeun down by singing her songs with sweet and soft voice while Jungeun sat on the bench under the station stop's roof. All she needed to do was wait for Yerim to get to her and pick her up, that didn't seem so hard right? Especially since Yerim was on the line with her to keep her company and to ease her nervousness. 

A knock on the glass wall caused Jungeun to flinch and almost drop her phone in the process. She looks up and sees Jinsoul standing there with this confused look on her face and Jungeun felt fear washing over her. "Hey." Jinsoul started and Jungeun's grip on her phone tightened, her knuckles turned white and suddenly Yerim's voice tuned out from her ears because of Jinsoul's presence that brought discomfort. 

"How are you?" Jinsoul asked and sat on the other end of the bench. 

Jungeun doesn't hesitate to scoot further away from Jinsoul which made the blonde frown in realization. 

"Why are you so scared of me Jungeun?" 

Jungeun doesn't answer. 

"I didn't hurt you that much, did i?" Jinsoul was starting to feel stupid because Jungeun was clearly not bothered to talk to her at all. "Look i just want to talk." Those were the words Jungeun hated the most. 

"No Jinsoul. We have nothing to talk about." She stated sternly. "I told you to leave me alone, didn't i? How many times do i have to say it to you? A million times? Jinsoul it's been weeks, just stop it already." Jungeun pleaded. "I just want to talk, is that so hard?" Jinsoul fought back, she genuinely just wanted to talk without anyone bothering them. "I want to clear things up Jungeun-" Jungeun shakes her head. "No. Stop." 

Jinsoul grits her teeth and stood up from her seat, she noted the way Jungeun visibly flinched hard in surprise. "You're so hard headed." She spoke. "You've never gave me a chance Jungeun. A chance to explain." She added, stepping towards the brunette. "How many times do i have to beg you to talk to me? Do i have to get on my knees? Are you that consumed in seeing me beg like a dog?" Her gaze darkens and that became alarming to Jungeun. 

Jungeun stood up out of pure instinct. "Stop it Jinsoul." She warned. "I just want you to leave me alone, i don't want to talk, stop being so persistent." Jinsoul chuckles at her bitterly. "You're running away from your fucking problem. If you do have a thought of taking your own life, at least let me clear my name up. I'm not going to be involved in your death Jungeun." Jinsoul spoke. "If you'd just let me explain, then maybe it'll help get your head out of your ass ya'know? Do you really think i'm here to be with you again?" 

Jinsoul could see the apprehension and panic in Jungeun's face. "I never thought of you trying to be with me again, i'm avoiding you because you're fucking terrifying!" Jungeun yelled. "You bring me nothing but discomfort Jinsoul. Why can't you understand that!?" She burst out, she was overwhelmed by her own feelings. 

Jinsoul gives her an offended look before grinning from ear to ear, she impulsively cracks her knuckles which shook Jungeun off her boots. "Get away from me Jinsoul." Jungeun pleaded. "Aw, why? Are you going to cry or what? All you do is cry Jungeun, you're so sensitive." The way Jinsoul says it make it seem like an insult to degrade Jungeun. 

Jungeun steps back in fear. All she could focus now was what could happen. Jinsoul was scaring her. 

The past memories start to haunt her, she starts getting flashbacks before their breakup and her moments with her father.

("go and fucking cry, that's what you're good at, right?") 

("i will never have a daughter as horrible as you jungeun.") 

("you're worthless, incompetent, stupid-") 

"You're still the same Jungeun." Jinsoul spoke. "You didn't change at all." Jungeun couldn't breath as she steps back. "You're still a coward, you can't even talk to me and look at me straight in the eye despite my persistence." Jinsoul's tone was degrading and Jungeun hated it so much. 

"You're still the same incompetent and pitiful Kim Jungeun i met." 

"The same Kim Jungeun who lets other people take advantage of her and treat her like a pet-" 

Jinsoul couldn't finish her sentence when someone suddenly held her tightly by the collar and a strong punch comes at her straight in the nose two times. She stumbles down and looks up in surprise while holding her (probably) busted nose. 

Her eyes widened when she sees a tall brunette look down at her with a sense of fire in her eyes. Jinsoul's eyes darted at her knuckles where it looked like nothing happened, it was as if she was used to punching someone straight in the nose. 

"You have no right to disempower her." The girl spoke. She looked impassive. "You have no right to degrade her." She added. "And you absolutely do not have the right to belittle her and invalidate her feelings." She crouches down in front of Jinsoul to get on her level. "You truly are the lowest of the low." She grins at her and at that moment, Jinsoul for sure knew that she would never be able to approach Jungeun the same way she does. 

The girl's eyes pierced through her, she looked like she possessed wolf eyes and for some reason, it reminded her of someone: Son Hyejoo. 

The girl stands up and held Jungeun who was sobbing on her shoulder. 

Jinsoul locks eyes with the girl. 

"You're importunate Jinsoul." 

-

Jungeun sat on Yerim's bed completely covered in blankets. 

"Unnie? Are you okay?" Jungeun's eyes travelled up and locks eyes with Yerim who had soft and warm eyes. "I don't know Yerim.." She answers weakly. "How about you? Are you okay? That punch looked like it hurt." Yerim chuckles and sits beside her on the bed. "It doesn't hurt. I've been punching people more often." Jungeun's eyes widened. "What!? Why?!" She asked in panic. 

The thought of Yerim punching people seemed so unreal. 

But then again, didn't she just punched Jinsoul straight in the nose? 

"Hyejoo and i've been getting bullied lately at school." Jungeun's heart broke at the announcement. "But that's okay, i think they're slowly learning not to mess with us." 

Jungeun stays quiet. 

\- trigger warning: child abuse - 

("How does it feel, brat?" Her father slurred while looking down at the fifteen year old who had a bruised cheek. "You wanna taste another punch or what? I hope you have a good reason why you have that if someone notices and asks you about it." The man laughed and Jungeun feels nothing but anger, how can she just view this evil man her father? They were nothing alike. 

He crouches down and grabbed Jungeun harshly by the chin, forcing her to look up at him. "I wanna kill you so bad Jungeun." He whispered. "How would it feel like if i slam your skull against the wall?" Tears were threatening to fall from Jungeun's eyes. Every time her father has a creative thought of hurting her, he won't hesitate to do it because he says it was fun to see her cry and beg. "Stop it dad.." She whimpered. 

"You're no fun.." He pouts playfully. "You can't be a party pooper Jungeun. Why don't you be like me?" Jungeun was confused. He had reminded her so many times that she wasn't his daughter and now he suddenly wants her to be like him? What does he really want? 

"You're just going to be like me, you're going to be pleasured when you hurt other people." 

"You're also going to love it once they start crying." 

"You're just going to be like me Jungeun. You don't need to deny it. You'll love abusing people soon enough." 

"You're just as sick and twisted as me." 

That was the time Jungeun finally became rebellious. 

She used all her strength to push her father's hands off her. 

"I am not like you!" She yelled, pushing him down as she stands up. "i'm not going to enjoy abusing other people, i'm not like you i will NEVER be like you!" She screams out while clenching her fists. "You're a despicable man who treats his wife and his child badly. If you never wanted me in this world then why didn't you wear protection!?" Jungeun stomped on his foot. "You are an imbecile!" 

Jungeun took the chance to run upstairs and locked herself inside her room.) 

-

Jungeun stared at the ceiling blankly. 

It's been weeks since she Yerim had saved her from Jinsoul. 

And it had been weeks since the voices in her head became so loud. 

\- trigger warning: suicide. - 

("why don't you just kill yourself jungeun? maybe you could stop becoming like you're father.") 

("we know that you've been having intrusive thoughts lately. you have this urge to hurt someone, right?") 

("you can't do that, what if you hurt yerim? what if you hurt the person who saved you?") 

("you're just as sick and twisted as him jungeun.") 

("like father like daughter.") 

("save yourself the pain and end it yourself.") 

("oh and make sure to thank and apologize to yerim and jiwoo, 'kay?") 

Jungeun stared at the tub. 

She made sure things were perfect.

She had written letters to Jiwoo and Yerim.

Sooyoung and Jinsoul didn't deserve letters. 

("great job jungeun! that is the perfect suicide!") 

("you did write haseul a letter, yes?") 

Yes. Jungeun wrote Haseul a letter. 

And Jungeun already quitted her job. 

("i think you've done well jungeun.") 

("time to say bye.") 

("also, where did you put chaewon?") 

Jungeun told Yerim to take care of Chaewon and she never told her the reason why. 

("at least you had a pet to stay with you during your last days.") 

("well she's alone now.") 

("not really, were here. how is she alone? were basically talking to her.") 

Jungeun gets on the tub as she settles herself in. 

She thinks of Jiwoo and Yerim. 

She thinks of Haseul. 

She once again thinks of Jiwoo and Yerim.

She thinks about Chaewon. 

("did you write chaewon a letter? puppies deserve goodbye letters too ya'know.") 

Jungeun smiles to herself. 

Maybe getting well just wasn't meant to be for her. 

("good night jungeun.") 

"Breaking News: Ex-Prosecutor Kim Jungeun found dead inside her apartment in the tub, reports say it was a suicide and a note was found on the mirror that states; Thank You."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so so much for reading. i deeply apologize if i did not write this with it's supposed description, it seems like my vocabulary isn't that expanded because i struggle to write scenes that deserves the most description, it's very hard for me to describe them so i'm very sorry if it lacks words, english isn't my first language and i'm not very fluent. thank you for bearing with it since you (surprisingly) still finished this. 
> 
> i will expand my vocabulary and study more words so that my future works will look nice. once again, thank you so so much for reading "i duckinf hatw you." please take care of yourself always and have a nice day!


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